Adventures in Jury Duty

Spoiler: Jury Duty is Boring!

I realized last week that I'd lost my jury badge so I had to get a new one this morning. Thus, my first stop was to one of the city's offices, a brief but depressing glimpse into the civic bowels of New York City. It is so astonishing to me that for such a proud city, New York does not take care of its official spaces. The building must have been beautiful at one point in its history, but years of neglect have taken their toll. There were bundles of phone and internet cables running along the top and bottom of the once grand, solid oak wainscoting, with roach traps interspersed here and there. Next to me was a HEPA air filter, something which was no doubt added some time after 9/11. I looked below at the air vent beneath it, with a thick coating of dust on its grating, and wondered whether or not the air system has received any sort of maintenance since the attack. Judging by the condition of the rest of the room, it seemed doubtful. I began to wonder about the health of the employees when I was called up, issued my badge and sent off to the jury pool. I was one of the last to arrive and was pleasantly surprised that the jury pool room was much nicer. Clean, comfortable chairs, no bad smells... very tolerable. I was beginning to think that things wouldn't be so bad. I also began to think that there was a big difference between the jurors I was grouped with this time and the ones I've been with before. There was definitely a higher Fashion Quotient in this group, especially from those guys who ticked off my gaydar. (It's been a while since I lived in Chelsea and I forgot that any time you go out is an occasion to look FABULOUS!) So we sat around for about an hour. They showed an informational video about what to expect from the trial, who's involved, etc. The video was narrated by a rather young Diane Sawyer and all the actors had hair from the late 80's to early 90's, very When Harry Met Sally.

So finally we all get called into a two different trials. I'm in with this huge group of people and they call about twenty people into the jury box... the rest of us have to sit in the gallery. The attorneys get up and each say their piece. The first defense attorney gets up and Damn! if he's not the most boring speaker I've EVER had to listen to. And you know, I'm pretty sure that I've met him. Additionally, I'm considering telling the judge that his rumpled suit, poorly knotted tie, and collar-gone-askew might influence my ability to sit on this trial without bias. Also, my previous feelings about being on a jury have resurfaced. The potential jurors give their basic background, including education, and four of the potentials didn't even have a complete high school education. I'm appalled... and then appalled that I'm appalled. They excuse us for lunch, a rather long one, and when we get back we only spend about one hour in the court with another twenty of our group going through the ringer before they excuse us for the day.

The next day I return for a 9:30 starting time. I'm really loving the schedule and walking fifteen minutes to get to where I have to be makes me want to move to the Upper East Side. Those of us who are left have to wait out in the hall until we get called in. As I stand there I notice the really cool design of the doorknobs. I decide to snap a quick picture with my cell phone and as I position the phone a really scary female bailiff barks out "Hey! No pictures!" I apologize and comply when she tells me to turn off the phone. About ten minutes later she returns with her superior, apparently thinking that I need to be harassed a bit to ensure that my terrorist tendencies are firmly squelched. When he asks me why I wanted to take a picture of the doorknob I point out that it's really cool. As one of my colleagues pointed out, "You can't discuss design with those people." They realize I'm just a homo and not a terrorist and so they leave me alone... after telling me a third time that no pictures are allowed. Whatever. I take two pictures of other doorknobs around the building when I know I'm not being watched because the security people were such knobs.

So I finally get called in. I'm finally in the jury box. I'm finally being questioned about my fitness to judge a case. And now I'm also feeling really annoyed about the whole thing. I want to throw things at the attorneys for their repetitive questions. I register that I have some misgivings about being on the jury and am told to stay for further questioning. I air all my issues with the last jury I sat on, the flaws in the system, blah, blah, blah... Honestly, I think they only got rid of me for talking too much. So my group heads back to the jury pool room and lo and behold! everyone else has left for lunch. When we return the room is full. Within minutes the guy in charge tells us that he's gotten a call for a large number of jurors and so he's going to send us all up to another case. However, he still has to call us one at a time. For the next hour I sit as one by one the names are mangled and the jurors walk out to the hall. Cute-face-with-a-belly goes, hoochie momma goes, gramma goes... slowly, married-doctor-with-hot-bod goes, elegant-empress goes... Then he stops calling names. Nine of us sit there wondering what's going on. I wait a couple of minutes and then say, "Look, I'm not complaining but I thought you were going to call us all in. What's going on?" He tells me that he had more returns from the earlier groups and that they had all that they needed. Ten minutes later another court officer comes in to tell us that we're being

SET FREE!!!

And thus concludes my adventures in Jury Dutying.